she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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