I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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