barbara walters just said penis...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
