Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
