just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
