is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I looked at my own cervix.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
