I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I love you. Go after that dick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
