It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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