I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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