I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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