I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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