I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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