Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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