I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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