no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
