my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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