My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
