I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
