i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
