wanna go halves on a baby?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I intend to get homeless drunk
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The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
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Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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