I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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