I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
