you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
