Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
