my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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