I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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