I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
