I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
