Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
