My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
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Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
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