Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I AM VODKA MAN
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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