He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
