Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
