i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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