I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The air was thick with penises
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
