I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
