I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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