I think im going to throw up on grandma
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
