I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
