So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
