I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
