Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
