he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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