If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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