so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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