I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
