my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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