What a fucking waste of an outfit
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
