the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
