i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
