If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
