You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
