$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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