I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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