DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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