i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
