I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
