i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
