so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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