somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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